Life, As We Know It!

Gregg and I had planned on trying for another baby when Macy turned two, June 2010. But when January and February of that year rolled around I could not imagine having another child just yet! You see Macy was a really hard infant, baby, and toddler!!!! Starting around 2 months old she just would cry and cry and cry some more! She would cry when you held her but would scream if you set her down. Needless to say it was very frustrating and I swore I was finished having kids, although I knew I wasn't :)! I would try to stay optimistic and say well when she learns to roll over and can be more active she won't be fussy. That wasn't the case. So then I would say when she can sit up and crawl she will get better! Never happened. Finally at her 9 month Dr.'s appointment I was telling our pediatrician how bad I thought it was and he just brushed me off. Well within a few minutes she just starts screaming and he looks at me and asks "This is how she always is?" I say "YES! That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Well because her cry was so LOUD he checks her ears and realizes that she has a ton of fluid in her ears and he explained to me it was the feeling of pressure when your ears need popped and so she was probably really uncomfortable and that is why she was so loud. We needed to get ear tubes placed as soon as possible to drain the fluid. I was soooooo relieved to know that this was the answer! This is why she had been so fussy all the time! Well ear tubes came and went and she was still the same girl...fussy Macy. Although I did realize she wasn't pulling on her ears as much. At age one Gregg said to me one day "Cassi, I really think this is her personality! It will be like this forever." I disagreed! No way this was how it was going to be! Well at a little before age two I said to Gregg, "I think this is just her personality!" Haha. Now you can see why I just wasn't quite ready for another child! So we decided we would let the summer come and go and try sometime in the fall. In April while spending time down in St. George we stayed in our families camper and while Lily and Macy would nap I would stay in the camper with them and read or nap myself. One day as I was lying there I had the distinct impression it was time to start trying for another child! And to my complete astonishment I felt ready and excited for it! So later that night I told Gregg about the feelings I had had and he was all for it! A few months go by with no success and I was to say the least a bit surprised it hadn't happened because after having these feelings I was sure I would get pregnant quickly. I wasn't too upset or worried though but after trying for around 9 months I did start to get worried. Worried, upset, sad, mad, depressed, angry, sad, worried, sad, angry, sad, upset and you get the idea! Don't get me wrong, I was soooooo thankful and grateful for the two beautiful girls I already had! Some don't even get that, but the desire for another one was still there! I wanted another baby so badly! I had never understood the want and desire for a child like I did then! It came so easily with Lily and Macy! I truly understood then and there what other women were going through that had infertility issues and I was heartbroken for them and myself! It was frustrating when people would say "Well maybe you are just finished having kids." I truly didn't feel like this was the case but one day I got down on my knees and asked Heavenly Father to please let me know if I was finished having kids. So I could get passed this stage of my life and move forward instead of each months obsessing over the fact of whether I was or wasn't pregnant. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't finished having kids. But that it just might take a while. Finally after 14 months of trying we went to a Dr. to see and figure out what was going on. He was amazing! He immediately had us do 3 things. 1. Check Gregg's semen. 40% of the time he said can be caused from the male. 2. Do a dye test on me. This is a test done within a certain time of your cycle that they insert dye into the uterus to see if it will flow out through the falopian tubes to make sure your tubes aren't blocked somehow. This makes certain whether or not an egg will or won't come down during ovulation. 3. Check my progesterone levels right after ovulation to see how well I ovulated that month! Well Gregg's semen came back great! I did the dye test and the one side it flowed out easily but one side it took a while for it to finally flow through. He was at first worried that it was blocked but then once it started flowing through he said maybe I did have some mucous blocking it but this cleared it out. But I still didn't get pregnant that month so they checked my progesterone levels that month and they came back low. He said they like the levels to be anywhere between 10-12 and mine were a 4! For whatever reason they just were low, nothing I did caused it it was just natures way. So he put me on clomid which is a fertility drug to help you have more follicles during ovulation which essentially is producing more eggs. So I get on clomid and I got pregnant right away! I was soooo shocked, I really didn't think I was pregnant because that was the month that I had prayed to see if I was finished having kids and my answer was no, I wasn't finished but it just might take a while! I have never felt more gratitude in my life when I saw the positive results!!! I saw my Dr. again when I was 7 weeks and we got to see the ultrasound of this tiny miracle! I was due March 17, 2012 but with my last two kids I went generally 3 weeks early so we were expecting a February baby. Lily and Macy were so excited! It was so fun to be pregnant with them because they both would come up to my belly and talk to the baby without me ever telling them to do so. Lily was only one when I got pregnant with Macy so she had no clue what was happening so this pregnancy was so fun to have both of the girls understand and just show so much excitement! This pregnancy was so different than with Lily and Macy! With them I was so sick. So so sick. And this pregnancy I barely had any incidents of nausea! That was a blessing! This baby also was so low whereas Lily and Macy were so high! I was certain it was a boy. At 15 weeks we check to see and the legs were crossed! Well at 18 weeks for the big ultrasound once again the legs were crossed. This made the tech think it was a girl because it was a "girly" thing to do, cross your legs! I was kind of shocked but really I was excited to think of having another girl. At 22 weeks the Dr. checks again and the baby was wiggling so much he couldn't get a good view. He would say "I think it's a girl but I wouldn't bet my life on it or I think it's a girl but I wouldn't be making pink blankets yet." So we just waited and waited and in the back of my mind I still thought that maybe it was a boy! A boy playing tricks on us but at 28 weeks at my 3d scan we got confirmation it was indeed a girl! And I was excited! I love my girls and having another was great! I had started getting consistent contractions with her at 24 weeks, a little scary but I still knew I wasn't going into labor and I wasn't too worried. They lasted the rest of the pregnancy and she was so low it was pretty painful. On February 24th after "trying" to walk on the treadmill I started getting contractions which wasn't uncommon. But they were lasting the majority of the day. Around 5:00 that night I finally started timing them and they were consistently 5-7 minutes apart and then every 3-4. We went on a drive and even driving around I had them. I called my mom around 9:00 and told her what was happening and that if she got a call in the middle of the night to not worry but that it was just me! So finally around 11:00 I call her to come over and we were on our way to Roosevelt! So we get there and settled in our room around 12:30 and we were told my Dr. was out of town that weekend! Just our luck! So the nurse checks me and I was only 1.5 cm which was what I was at my appointment earlier that week. I was shocked, with the other two girls at 37 weeks I was a 3-4. Not only that but I had been contracting consistently for over 7 hours! So they keep checking me and I'm not dialating, which I was having a c-section anyways but it still is nice to be dialating to prove I'm in labor. My contractions were consistent and strong on the monitors so they took my blood. It comes back with my white blood count high which they said was a sign of labor! So they call in the surgery team and the Dr. on call around 6:00, and I was prepped and ready to go. Kyla Belle was born at 7:01 AM weighing in at 6 lbs 10 oz and 18.25 inches long! Exactly 3 weeks early. She came out crying which was a nice sound because Macy didn't come out crying. Well after they had taken her back to the nursery they come in to tell me she had swallowed amniotic fluid and was on oxygen. I had heard these words before, with Macy. That is why Macy didn't come out crying. She too had swallowed fluid and was on oxygen for about 4 hours and then was stabilized and I was able to see her and all was well. So I wasn't too concerned with Kyla having swallowed the fluid because we had gone through this and everything turned out great! By early afternoon I got into a wheelchair to be wheeled down to see her! She was so cute, and looked a lot like Lily! Which I was expecting because of her 3d scan. When I held her she was so sweet! I told Gregg how did we ever think she was going to be a boy, she was meant for us and our family! Gregg said she was more relaxed and calm in my arms than he had seen her yet. So I ask had she not been calm and he just mentioned that she was uncomfortable breathing but with me holding her all was well. I tried breastfeeding and she wasn't interested, she just was so calm and comfortable she fell asleep! The rest of the day and throughout the night I continued to try to breastfeed her to no avail. Whenever they tried to take the oxygen out of her nose, her levels would drop. Still I wasn't too concerned. She looked and seemed healthy enough! The next morning I was able to get up and walk down to the nursery by myself which was amazing in and of itself after having a c-section. The nurse said they had given her a bath and it had happened again that her levels dropped when she was off the oxygen and getting upset. So when I tried to breastfeed her we decided to take the oxygen out of her nose to see if maybe that's what was causing her to not feed, it being in the way. We took it out and her levels stayed up! For around 30 minutes of us trying to feed her her levels stayed high. So they said go ahead and take her to your room! So we did!! My parents brought Lily and Macy to see her and they were soooo excited! They loved her so much, it was the sweetest thing to see! During this time Kyla would cry a little and her cry sounded like little grunts, I wasn't concerned by this because this is how her cry had always sounded. I thought that was her cry. But as soon as I would hold her, she stopped! Around 4:00 after my parents left, I tried breastfeeding her and she got upset. Doing her grunting cry and during this time a nurse walked in and I was explaining how she had not breastfed since she had been born and she went to get a lactation consultant to help. So she comes to help and starts by having us undress Kyla to have her be naked against my skin and I could smell she had pooped. So while trying to change her diaper and with her doing her grunting cry the nurse asked if this was how she had been crying and I said Yes, it was how I had always heard her cry. I look down and saw Kyla's lips turning blue and I look to the nurse and ask if she needs to go back to the nursery and she says yes. She comes back and says by the time she got her down the hall her whole body had starting turning blue. They called her pediatrician that was there after her birth and he comes down and explains that after being on oxygen for 24 hours usually the child is fine and shouldn't need any more assistance. But obviously something wasn't right because it had been 32 hours since her birth and she was still having difficulties. So he said maybe she had either pneumonia or an infection in her lungs and if this was the case she needed to be put on antibiotics to help clear it. But it takes 48 hours to get the labs back from the blood they take so instead of waiting that long they would just automatically give her the antibiotics now to treat it. So they started that at 5:00. I called my parents to let them know what was going on and my dad came back over to help Gregg give her a blessing. We walk into the nursery and I could tell immediately a difference in her from when I last saw her. Her little chest was contracting so badly to try to breathe! It was so scary to see her and I was devastated and worried and concerned. After the blessing I look to the nurses for help and they noticed me looking so they immediately call the Dr. to come back and check her. So after he sees her in this condition he tells us he feels like she needs to be life flighted! I was in shock! I said "Is it really that bad?" As I'm crying he says he doesn't want to worry me but I say as a mom how can I not be worried? He explains she needs some help and they couldn't continue to give her that help. He would rather be safe than sorry at this point and not take any chances but that he had full faith that everything would be fine once she was out in Salt Lake. During this time the nurses had put an oxygen mask on her and pumped oxygen through her and she threw up a bunch of amniotic fluid and her levels increased and she looked as if things were going to be OK. So this Dr. calls another Dr. for his advice and he says that he thinks things were OK and for us to monitor her during the night. I was exhausted and at 9:00 I needed to go lay down and since things were looking good I felt OK to do so. Dr. Graham was coming back at 10 to check on her and I told the nurses to come wake us up when he got back so we could be there when he did so. At 10:00 Gregg wakes me and asks me if he wants him to just go down there and I said yes. He came back and said everything was still about the same and they were going to monitor her still. Well at 1:00 AM a nurse comes to our room and says she had started contracting her lungs again and they had called Dr. Graham to come. We said a prayer before we headed into the nursery and I knew right away that she was going to be life flighted! The feeling in the room was serious! I was so scared. I have never felt that way in my life. As I walk over to my little baby girl who was fighting for her life, I thought about how we had tried so hard to get pregnant with her and that surely this wasn't how it was supposed to end. I couldn't believe that I was watching her gasping and wheezing and knowing she might die. In that moment, I knew that nothing in this world mattered! Nothing was as important as my family. All the silly things I had worried about or stressed about in life were so insignificant as this moment! I didn't want her to die and I was grasping with the knowledge that this couldn't be happening. We call my parents! In the middle of the night we had to tell them that our little girl was being life flighted and we didn't really have any answers other than she just couldn't handle breathing on her own anymore and she needed help! The life flight helicopter had to turn around because it was foggy and they couldn't see. Instead they sent an airplane and this then allowed me to be able to fly with her! What a blessing! As we walk back to our room to start gathering our things, Gregg's phone rings and it was my dad. He was telling Gregg that if anything happened to Kyla we would be in regret if we didn't give her her name and blessing! I couldn't believe this was happening! We walked back and asked the nurse if we could give her a blessing and she left the room for privacy. As Gregg is giving her her name and blessing I was just still in so much shock. Grateful for her and knowing that no matter what happened she would always be ours but afraid to think of the possibility she might not last much longer. When the medical team from Primary Children's arrived the nurse had to call and report back to her supervisor and she reported back that there wasn't much flow of oxygen she could hear and that her little body was just giving up. They sedated her and put morphine in her and then they intubated her. This machine was breathing for our daughter and it was all so scary. Before we left the nurse told me to come talk to her and she would hear me, so I did. I told her we loved her, that her sisters Lily and Macy loved her and she needed to fight to live! Gregg went back to Vernal to pack our things and I headed out on an ambulance to the airport to fly with Kyla. The flight took only 25 minutes. It was the fastest flight I had ever been on. As we were taking off I had the distinct impression that my dad right at that moment was praying for me. I have never felt that before in my life and I was overcome with emotion. I was so grateful to have felt his prayer. I told this to my mom and she asked my dad and sure enough at that time he remembers looking at the clock and he was praying! It then took another 20 minutes to drive to the hospital. When they took her back in the neonatal intensive care unit I was put in a waiting room. I was so tired, I had never been so tired emotionally and physically in my life. I lied down and slept for about 30 minutes until a Dr. came to tell me that everything up until this point was looking good. She was still intubated but the oxygen flow was at the lowest it would go at 12% which was really low and that we as humans only breathe at if I remember right 8%. This was one of the many miracles that occurred. There were moments when she would breathe on her own and then the machine would breathe for her. She just needed this extra help. Gregg got there at around 9:00 and they let us go back in to see her. She looked so sweet and peaceful lying there. I knew we needed to come out and get this help! It is what she needed to survive! She was intubated until after midnight and they were able to take it out and put her on a cpap machine. The oxygen flow was also put really low on it as well and within 4 hours she was off and breathing on her own! It was miracles and miracles occurring right before our eyes! We then had to have her eating for 24 hours on her own either by breast or bottle. The nurse practitioner on duty told us that for sure she thought we would have a discharge day for that Thursday! We couldn't believe it and were so relieved. Gregg decided to stay with me until that day. Well our sweet girl was so tuckered out. After all she had gone through in her short time on Earth, of exerting all of her strength to try to breathe and with the added morphine drug, her body just soaked it all in to then have her just rest and recover. I really don't remember her every waking up until Wednesday and she would only wake up for just a few minutes and fall back asleep. She had no desire at all to want to eat, let alone try to breastfeed off of me. So at this point I was pumping my milk and they were feeding her through a feeding tube! Also her jaundice levels got high enough she was put under bilirubin lights. All of these factors delayed our discharge day of Thursday. Gregg felt he needed to go home, Lily and Macy were starting to get fussy and they didn't really understand what was going on. So on Wednesday afternoon my parents drove out and swapped roles with Gregg. He went home with the girls and my wonderful parents came to stay with me! I am so grateful for the love and support they gave us! We could not have gone through this ordeal without them. My mom stayed by my side for 2 days straight! At this point Kyla would sometimes wake up to feed and other times didn't. At this rate we didn't know how long we would be out there. She needed to wake up every 3 hours and eat all of the required amount of milk for 24 hours. On Friday before my parents left my dad gave Kyla and myself a blessing! How grateful I am for the Priesthood and father's blessings. He blessed Kyla that she would recover faster than the normal process of recovery. He also made mention that she was preserved, preserved to live with our family! Of that I am so thankful. Well after this blessing was given she started waking up for every feeding and drinking the required amounts! It was so amazing to see and to know that she was doing this because of the power of the Priesthood. Even one of the nurses commented, "When did she all of a sudden start waking up to feed?" Gregg came out Saturday afternoon and they discharged us the next day, Sunday! I will never forget this experience in our lives. How truly blessed we are! Not only with having Kyla survive but that Lily and Macy are blessings as well! Our pediatrician couldn't believe how fast she got off of the ventilator, he said she could have been on that for days let alone weeks. Also that she didn't have to come home on oxygen! She has not had one single breathing problem at home! Of all of this I am so grateful. I love being a mom. I love my three girls so much. They bring me pure happiness and joy. They are my three blessings. I am grateful for this experience, as scary as it was, for reminding me what matters most.